While convalescing from my simian related illness I realized that it may benefit my readers to know a little more about my life in order to understand how I came about my superior morals and intellect. Therefore in all humbleness I present the following synopsis of my life for the mental edification of the reader. (Also, certain acquaintances have made accusations about whether I have come about my title “Sir” honestly, which I hope here to refute.)
As legend will have it the first Robin Lancaster gained knighthood by slaying a dragon. In actuality the “dragon” was little more than an especially amorous bull that had been terrorizing and sodomizing the local horses. Back in those dark times it was believed that Lord God would punish any community that let such a heinous crime go unpunished, even if the transgressor was a beast. Robin Lancaster not only restrained the animal but also sat witness at his trial. Unfortunately the bull was released on a technicality. Days later Robin Lancaster and three of his sons were found gored and sodomized to death- the bull was never seen again. Luckily for his widow and surviving children, the king of the time, Edward II, being an aficionado of sodomy posthumously knighted him and gave his family a small estate. When sodomy went out of vogue after Edward II’s untimely yet ironic death, the Lancaster family made up the story about the dragon for reasons that should appear obvious.
A dozen of generations later I was born the youngest and only son of six children. My father, a moderately successful plague insurance salesman, had married my mother (the only daughter the Catholic Sir Robin Lancaster XII) to gain her name, title, and her presumed fortune. However he soon found that his marriage brought him little financial gain, and each consecutive child lessened it. When I was only a lad of three years my mother became with child yet again. My father could not bear the thought of further progeny, so through rumor and bribes he secretly arranged for his wife to be burned as a witch. The lowly commoners, little changed from the time of the first Robin Lancaster, eagerly accepted this arrangement and burnt her at the stake. Now, to this day, I cannot say for sure whether it was a matter of atmospheric chance or whether my mother actually possessed some arcane skill, but as the flames consumed her a gust of wind blew the flames into a nearby attic setting the nearby buildings aflame. My drunken and inbred neighbors proved no match to the conflagration and forest fire that followed, leaving most of the town and my father’s home in smoldering ruins.
With the loss of his wife, home, and possessions my father was forced to work even harder selling plaque insurance. However it was not long until most of his customers realized that such insurance did not exist. After numerous complaints and lawsuits my father went to prison for failure to pay his debts, where once again, he followed the Lancaster tradition by being sodomized to death. Being orphans I was sent to the family estate to be cared for by my grandfather while my sisters, based on their personalities and piety, were sent to convents or brothels accordingly.Alas, the memories of my poor departed mother and sisters make my tale more wearisome than I imagined. I must begin the more cheerful chapter of my life with my grandfather later. Also, little Robin Goodfellow, my accommodating capuchin, has been patiently catching and feasting on rats for a good time now, and I must take him from for his nightly walk before he purges digested rat fur onto my chamber’s floor.