Manatees

While perusing a periodical at my weekly symposium I came across an article on a recent petroleum leak offshore of the colonies. This leak has stained the surface of the sea much like the populace have stained the continent. Such an event can only be a sign from the Lord that the inhabitants would have been better off staying in Mother Britain rather than crossing the sea to cavort with the Natives and vile French. The current minister who presides over the colonies (or as I call theme, Vespucci’s folly) is a capable man, and despite allegations of Moorish descent, has not yet castrated any young Christians as his opponents would have led us to believe. That being said, many of the country’s inhabitants would be perhaps more effective citizens as eunuchs and certainly more pleasing to the general gene pool. However, I digress. With the recent marine disaster many, including this President and others has suggested that alternate forms of fuel be utilized to prevent future disasters. While I am sure that there intentions are noble, I for one would discourage any reckless use of alternate fuels, namely whale oil, as such an action will deplete our resources of leviathan. After all the sea is the last patriotic refuge from the noble pretenders, foolish parliament, and the influences of Catholic France. In such a case patriots (like yours truly), will like Jonah, find salvation in these noble cetaceans. Verily I say that our futures depend on the goodwill of these monstrous creatures. If they were to go extinct who would pull our sea mansions to and fro? Manatees? I think not, they are vain and silly creatures, more concerned with their precious mangroves than European politics. Their carefree nature and bohemian aquatic lifestyle makes a mockery of the capitalist system that is the foundations for our free world. If it was up to the manatees we would all be slaves to ignorance. And then where would we be? The next time you are confronted with a manatee remind yourself of this and send that pinniped wannabe on his way.

I have been much of late disgusted with the lack of decency and virtue that I have encountered amongst so called gentlemen and intellectuals. For example, there is rooming across from me an individual representing the culmination of a trend of uncleanliness and impurity that would raise bile in the throat of our Savior. This vile playwright makes his living by performing tales of fornication and sin to both the plague ridden masses and the ill bred nobility. His horrid tales would find little audience amongst the heathens of northern Europe, yet he finds plentiful victims for his vulgar ministrations amongst London’s fallen.

Now, I can only speculate on the root of this impurity, it was only a few generations ago that our empire was the envy of the world, a beacon of light to neighboring hordes of barbarians and heathens. Perhaps the rampant vulgarity and boorishness gained a foothold during the duplicitous ascension of our so called “virgin” queen, however I fear that the issue strikes deeper, perhaps being rooted in a crumbling Papist foundation. Therefore as a duty to both God and Reason I humbly submit the following moral anecdotes and instructions to better prepare the pure and elect against the increasing whorish multitudes. Much of the following will be tales and opinions from my own life demonstrating the correct expression of Reason that trials of our modern life require. I fear that lowly commoners will gain much entertainment but little education from my humble notes. However through a careful subscription to my opinions an educated gentlemen-or yes, perhaps even a gentlewoman-may, through my instruction save their wretched soul from wanton waste.